Every morning I wake up and wonder, “Is it worth it to look good today?”

I’m not worried about how long it will take or whether or not the effort will be wasted. I’m concerned about the trouble it will cause me. If I’m honest, and I swear I mean no arrogance, I’m at least moderately attractive. I get hit on when I go out regularly, so I can only assume that people find me pleasant to look at. If not, then this post becomes even more frighteningly relevant.

A little background on me:
I’m not super hot. I wasn’t a cheerleader. I dye my hair purple more often than blonde. I don’t go tanning. My wardrobe has more band t-shirts than shape enhancing bras. I can count the number of times I’ve worn high heels since my (now) husband’s prom on one hand. I own one skirt. I’m not a girl most people would look at and immediately want to bang. At least not in a “normal” crowd.

But here’s the thing; I like video games. I play table-top RPG’s. I used to run a guild in WoW. I co-ran a very successful Villain group in City of Heroes/Villains. I like technology. I’ve got an Android phone. I own a Kindle that I use regularly. I’ve built computers. I like old cars.

I don’t get along with most of the girls I’ve met. I honestly can’t remember many of them or the reasons why we didn’t click, we just didn’t. My group of friends is by and large made up of guys. The three exceptions to this are: May, the wife of a friend. She doesn’t hang out with us too much because of past issues that might have a lot to do with me. More on that later. Tatiana, another wife. She games with us sometimes, but mostly she reads. She seems nice enough, though we don’t talk much. And Chana, my “daughter”. She’s eighteen and we all but adopted her when she got kicked out. The relationship I have with her is entirely different and separate from anything else.

The rest of the regular group, not counting my husband, is six guys: Blue, Jason, Cale, Simon, Admiral, and Jack. In the past, Jason, Cale, and Admiral have told me they loved me. One of them sneak attack kissed me. I dated Blue for a while. Admiral has, in the past, blamed me for some of the bad things in his life. I’ve said that I have some issues with his wife, issues of trust, and it’s upset him and caused us all some problems. But May mostly stays away because her and Blue get along even less.

At one point, I was accused of being manipulative. Cale told me he believed that I forced everyone to fall in love with me. That I needed them to stumble all over themselves for me so I could make them give me my way.

Jason has informed me on several occasions that I have nothing interesting to say and I should really just keep my mouth shut.

Why do I still consider them friends, you ask. These things were said years ago. Apologies were made.

But it still gives me pause every morning. Am I going to see them today? If I wear this shirt, will it give the wrong impression? If I put on make-up today, will they think it’s for them? If one of them says they like it when I paint my nails a certain color, should I stop using that color to avoid giving the wrong impression?

Even if I’m not going out, if I’m just going to be staying in for the day, playing on my computer I have things to consider. Should I put a picture of myself up on my Steam account? I know a lot of people do. But what kind of attention am I asking for by doing that? Obviously, I should never admit in a game that I’m a girl. That’s a clear case of attention whoring. But what if I’m asked to get on Ventrillo or TeamSpeak for a raid? What if I have my mic on while playing Left 4 Dead?

I ask these things because it was clearly my fault in the first place. From “manipulative bitch” to every comment from anonymous people who say that putting up a picture is asking for attention.

In real life, I have to be a girl. Even if I try to pass as a guy, I’m still very girly. I have a slim build and a too feminine face. But online, no one knows until I tell them. As a girl, I have been kicked out of a guild for not cybering with a tenured member. I’ve been called a bitch. I’ve been stalked. I’ve been accused of twinking (even though my gear was never that great). It’s been said that my guild members carried me.

When I pretended to be a boy, all of that stopped. I got called a fag once for grouping with a blood elf, but that was it. Suddenly, I could get onto the group for wiping and no one asked me if I was on the rag. My ignore list was full of spammers instead of stalkers.

When people hear about this, they tell me how good it was that I managed to find a way around the harassment. They tell me that it’s great how I didn’t call attention to myself and dealt with it quietly.

I hate them for that.

It’s not great. I lied. I had to lie about who I was. I had to stop being me so that I could play a game.

When I go out, people hit on me. I can’t remember a party in the last decade at which someone did not try to pick me up. They touch me. They put their hands on my shoulder, on my leg, on my back. They ask for my number. I tell them no and they push it.

I went to a gay bar once with Blue and another friend, Lear. Blue and Lear were dancing together and I was standing at a table drinking. A guy came up to me and asked me to dance. I told him no, but he kept asking. He started dancing with me, pulling me close and breathing heavily in my ear. He asked me if I wanted to go home with him. I tried to push him away and again told him no. He asked my why I dressed like that if I didn’t want to fuck.

I was wearing a tight black t-shirt with a sparkly unicorn on it, black cargo pants, and sneakers. I had done my make up. I was wearing a lot of purple eyeshadow with green eyeliner and blue sparkles.

So, what am I supposed to do? I guess a good girl would never post her picture up anywhere online because that would be attention whoring. A good girl wouldn’t tell anyone tell anyone that she’s a girl if she didn’t want something from them. A good girl would never do anything that might make a guy feel uncomfortable. Quietly lying is clearly better.

In real life, a good girl would never look nice or good unless she’s trying to attract a mate. She would never wear form-fitting clothes that highlight her body because that’s too tempting. It invites people to touch her. A good girl doesn’t mean no when she says no, or when she pushes a guy away. It simply means that you must try harder.

I find myself honestly torn in the mornings when I start to put on my make-up. Should I? I like the way I look in eyeliner, but is it an invitation to others if I make an effort to look nice?

I don’t participate in a lot of the jokes my friends make. I can’t. Not without sending them a message I’m not sure I want to send.

I can’t even fit my phone in the pockets of my girl pants because I’m supposed to carry a purse.